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Trumpets and Blazers
posted Monday, 19 May 2008
Evidently if you google "12 year old boy hiding condoms in school bag" you will be led to this blog as one of your options. What does that say about me? Hmmmmm. Well, I'm just about out of my mind with excitement. It's the night of the 5th grade concert, with a special appearance at the end by the fourth grade beginning band! If you knew me, you would immediately recognize the sarcasm dripping from my every word. Middle is a reluctant member of the fourth grade beginning band, and not a popular one with the band teacher, Mr. Newly-Thin "Band is my life". He has joined Nutrasystem, and is feeling hot to say the least. I only know this because I complimented him as a way to change the subject from Middle's band behavior to something more pleasant. He went on and on and on about his diet. Other parents were waiting to talk to him behind me, tapping their toes and getting pissed. That was a few weeks ago at Scholastic Showcase - a cluster f%$#@ involving every child in the school. We all go up there one night and fight our way through the halls to catch a 3 second glimpse of our child's latest work, taped up in the hallways and therefore blocked by other parents. You can't even talk to the teacher if you've had wine or cofee, because you'd have to get so close that they would TOTALLY smell your breath.
Anyway, we've missed a lot of band rehearsals because they are at 8 on Wednesdays and middle never reminds us, as lying child ALWAYS did, and I always forget, and we've been a little out of sorts with me working, etc... When I met Mr. NewlyThin that evening, I said, "Well, I guess you've figured out that Middle is not Lying Child." He looked me right in the eye and said, "That's for sure." Lying Child, for the two years he played trumpet, excelled despite not practicing, and made the jazz band in 5th grade. Middle, on a Wednesday morning when I actually remember he has band, pulls the covers over his head and wails, "I HATE BAND. CAN I QUIT BAND? BAND SUCKS." Then I yank him out of bed, start to stuff his skinny legs into a fresh pair of boxers while he screams, "I HATE MY LIFE!!!!" Now, just guess which of the three children is the most musically talented, as in can pick up a tune just from hearing it once? Yep, Middle. He singlehandedly figured out "Garage Band" on this new mac and put together a kick-butt tune. Anyhoo, the fourth grade band will be put on last, just to keep us all hostage through chorus and THE WORST: ORCHESTRA! I think I'll bring snacks and play with my cell phone. Maybe I can put a little Sauvignon Blanc into a water bottle...now that's an idea...I'm cheering up already.
Okay, now about that navy blue blazer I need to get for my Board of Director position - how hard would it be to find that, eh? F'in NIGHTMARE. What I needed was a "Nuns R Us" because every non-uniform wearing Nun I've ever seen has a navy blue blazer on with those horrible tie-up orthopedic shoes. Twelve stores in the mall had nothing, and finally, I go to Talbots yesterday. They have a horrible one for $129 that has contrasting stitching all over it and reminds me of my dad's one bad beige leisure suit (with contrasting brown stitching all over it).
I went there in full-on, scary Mommy mode - unshowered, no make-up, hot pink crocs, stretchy blue gauchos that might actually be pajama pants...I can't remember. One lady followed me around the whole store convinced I was such a low-life that I was going to steal some denim capris with red lobsters embroidered all over them. I found one other blazer, nothing special, $178.00 buckaroos. Obscene for something that will not remotely enhance my MILF status, and will only be worn a couple times each year. I just couldn't do it.
I left the store, after hovering around the jewelry just to freak the saleslady out - and went to K-mart, praying silently to Jacqueline Smith. "Dear Jackie, please have a cheezy blue blazer for me on a clearance rack..." I got there, and frankly, KMART depresses me. Maybe it's that lighting...and I swore I could smell a blazer in there. And there they were! White, khaki and black. NO BLUE. So I decided to give one last shopping center a go, then resign myself to the horrible , overpriced Old Fart blazer at Talbots. I trudged through the rain with a heavy heart. No blazer at the first store. I check the boys section - maybe a teenagers jacket will fit me? Nada.
Discouraged and cynical, I entered a rather scary store called Dress Barn. Dress barn is scary only because it has "barn" in its name. I just don't think we ladies need to shop in a store that fosters images of cows, pigs, etc... How about "Dress Lounge" or "Dress Pizza Parlour" Or "Dress Bar" ? Yeah, get rid of the N. "dress bar!" I'll meet you at Dress Bar...Want to hit Dress Bar? Have you ever tried Dress Bar? Okay, enuf. Well, what to my wondering eyes did appear but one linen navy blue blazer and eight reindeer. And because Dress Barn carries cheap clothes, the ten ran small and IT FIT ME. And it was $39.99.
And I was so happy to not have to go back to Talbots that I stopped and got a bottle of wine! Because now I have technically saved $138 dollars. Now all I need is the club's "patch" sewn on and I'm all set for our opening day on Saturday. Me hanging out with six old guys in white pants and navy blazers. I'm going to wear a skirt, though, and some radical high heels, just to spice it up a bit. Okay, I'm boring myself now. And my stomach is growling, and this is probably the only fun I'm going to have before the glorious concert begins. I just cannot wait.
comments (2)
1. sophmom left...
Tuesday, 20 May 2008 2:37 am :: http://www.dotcalm.blog-city.com
Whew! I'm glad you found it and that you didn't have to go back to
Talbot's. Here's what the underscore means: soph_mom. Just plain sophmom @
yahoo... was taken. :/
2. catty left...
Sunday, 25 May 2008 3:07 pm :: http://savetheamericanfamily.blog-city.c
Well this is sad. I love Dress Barn! Maybe it's being smack dab in the
middle of farm country or it could be that everything in there fits my
misshapen middle aged body, but I love Dress Barn, though I am not opposed
to changing the name to Dress Bar. Now there is a concept. Complimentary
cocktails while you try on cheap clothing. So the red dress doesn't fit
THAT well. Have another cocktail. See, it's looking better and better
every cocktail, I mean minute.