Drunk With Power

Well, I am just giddy today but be forewarned, once I get over a few shallow points I need to make, I plan on explaining the whole vow renewal thing we've got planned.  First, I belong to a community club that has been run by men for a hundred years.  This year, they have appointed the first female director to the board.  Guess Who?  I'm cackling like Vincent Price right now.  Yep, it's the madam.  Of course, I was the second choice, but that's okay.  I was first runner up for homecoming queen, too and I still got a crown of daisies and rode around in the back of a convertable on the football field.  I'll take second.  In fact, I was second in line for my new job, and for me, sloppy seconds seems to be working out perfectly.  Maybe it's a middle child thing... Either way, I feel like my forties are rapidly becoming my greatest decade, which would make the hell of last year's mid life crisis worth almost every minute.  I said ALMOST.

I was going to title this "Bulging Brides," which is a reality show I recently watched for 7 painful minutes.  These puffy brides get taken to task for pre-wedding weight gain, which I totally don't understand.  You just don't get more vain than right before your wedding, do you?  So to really bring the point home, an expert wedding gown "fitter" leads the bulging bride out in her dress and explains all the ways the dress doesn't fit which included (GASP - a new term for me!) "back crack."  Back crack is when the flesh on your upperback is being squeezed together by your strapless gown, creating something similar to a butt crack.  HORRORS.  The bride then takes "vows" - she promises to stick to her workout, and her foodplan, so help her God or something...The whole thing reminds me of what my BIL told my sister once they got engaged, "No ring on the finger, Twinkie in the mouth, Honey."  So what's my point.  Oh, right.  Vows.  Okay, so I don't want to be a bulging bride in June when we go to Bermuda to renew our vows, so I bought the next size up in my uber sexy Calvin Klein gown.  Actually, I may need to drop a few pounds so my arms don't look all old-irish-saggy lady.  I didn't buy a wedding gown, by the way.   I bought a red carpet kind of dress in a really pale pink with LOADS of cleavage.  Because that's what I do now, post Mid life crisis (MLC).  The girls are always out, because I got mine for free.  And since I didn't have to buy them, like many of my peers did for their 40th birthdays (I KID YOU NOT), I like to show them off because they were such a bargain.  The madam is definitely the kind of gal who, when she gets a compliment, immediately tells you how cheap the item was on a clearance rack.  I also admit to all fake jewelry.  I'm a female George Washington.  I cannot tell a lie.  But I have real teeth.  Oops, I digress.  So, my $45.00 sexy gown has this tiny train and is satin and just divine.  It is the COMPLETE opposite of my princess wedding dress of 15 years ago.  Campfire Girl enjoys laughing at the size of my sleeves in my wedding picture.  What she does not believe is that I actually had those sleeves REDUCED in size.  They originally looked like hot air balloons on either side of my head.  Now just to prove the extent of my newfound confidence and insanity, I am 20 pounds heavier than when I got married, but I'm exposing 75% more skin this time around. 

GO figure!  But I'm feeling pretty good because yesterday, I did what I NEVER do - I watched Oprah.  I've been a bit "done" with Oprah for a while, because I sometimes get a tiny whiff of a Jesus complex coming from Channel 7 when she's on.  Anyway, CHER was on with Tina Turner.  And Cher, not Tina, was rollin, rollin,...with a very big belly!  Now, shoot me.  I am evil.  The woman is 61 years old and doing a vegas show and I love her - at age 9 I could belt out "Gypsies Tramps and Thieves" like a champ.  What's more, if you can't be chubby at 61, when can you be?  But still, I sat on my navy blue sectional, wine in hand, and poo-poohed Cher's girth.  SHAME ON ME.  But they kept showing all these pictures of her from when I watched her 70s show, and she's this slinky awesome thing.  I would just tell Oprah - listen babe, we're not flashing your post-Optifast photos are we?  Can we stick to the head shots, please????

Back to the vows.  The dress I found gave me the idea, plus the long-standing desire to return to Bermuda, where we honeymooned., with our kids.  When we were on our honeymoon, there was this family there and the kids were just loving it.  So we went back when Lying Child was just shy of two.  Let's just say, in terms of vacation/relaxation, we should have just set the $3,000 on fire.  Babies and toddlers don't mix with "vacation."  Now they are all old enough, and Grandma Ovary is coming to help out.  Provided she behaves herself and does not try to constantly reshape and mold my children.  And to give her credit, she is trying very hard to respect "boundaries."  Of course, I keep threatening to take her trip away whenever she misbehaves.  Which is stinky, so I have to stop doing that. 

Then, I got the job, so we have extra money.  Then, I realized that this is a BIG year.  Not just the 15th wedding anniversary, but hubby is turning 45, Lying Child is going to be 13, and Middle  will be 10.  Those are all big birthdays and we're all born in June, except for Baby Girl, who is a LEO, which is the perfect sign for me.  I always wanted a Leo.  This year,  I will be 43, which doesn't count since it's a wierd number birthday.  My dream is to find a pool guy in a cute uniform at the hotel, who has a few free minutes, so he can "officiate."  Then we can all traipse down to the beach  - Hubby in a pink linen shirt that matches the boys.  Baby Girl in her already-purchased white dress with pink flowers and we'll renew our vows, if we can remember what to say, and get a picture taken. 

Then I can send the picture out as next year's Christmas cards, and all my old boyfriends can see what a MILF I am.  JUST KIDDING.  About the old boyfriends, not about getting the picture taken.  Hubby is stressed because he needs to lose weight, otherwise he won't allow me to get a family picture taken.  I've been asking for ten years! 

Phew, I'm running out of steam and I still haven't told you the meaningful reasons behind this whole thing.  But I'm feeling too shallow to go into it today.  I want to go shopping.  So I'll end this like a bad soap opera on a Friday afternoon, leaving you hanging...But thanks for reading!  There are 14 of you out there who are very loyal to me, and I appreciate it.