A life without books...I don't think so!
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Did I fail to mention...?
posted Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Did I mention Grandma Ovary is coming on this trip? Yep - that's a key detail. Harken back to my blogs of last year, like the one when Grandma Ovary came into the house in full-on adult ADD mode and started brushing my daughter's hair with the dog brush. Then there was the time when Baby Girl was an infant getting a bath in the sink, and Grandma Ovary (distracted...of course), dumped an ice cold water bottle over her head (just out from the frig for DRINKING, not shampooing).
She simply cannot help herself. She cannot be in a room without wiping stuff or touching stuff, or straightening stuff. It is beyond annoying. I am making a little list of rules for this trip and I'm laminating it and she has to wear it around her neck.
On the list: Don't speak over the madam when she is dealing with her children. They are not YOUR children. You had your chance, and look what happened. Grandma Ovary particularly likes to disclipine the little ovaries, often when the Madam is already in the act of disciplining them. Grandma Ovary also likes to correct EVERY aspect of the little ovaries behavior, ALL THE TIME.
Grandma Ovary is in counseling, to try to address these issues. Grandma Ovary has NO BOUNDARIES. So why is she coming? I love her and she's never had a genuine, luxury vacation. This is a woman who raised seven children, four of whom were not her own (second marriage), who while doing so, got her bachelors, masters and began a teaching career while still working as a secretary at night. No cleaning lady. No money. Not even allowed to go through an automatic car wash. Now they are set financially, but the pennypinching habits are so ingrained, it's sad to see their inability to enjoy anything. You have to drag this woman out of a dollar store by her collar. Add to it that she actually grew up really poor (like getting the free basket of food on Thanksgiving from the church poor), and you've got a whole heap of money issues going on!
But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a bit WARY.
Ask any girl, who do we throw down with most often, with total abandon? Mommy.
When this all came up, I sat Grandma Ovary down, then she got up to wipe something, so I sat her back down again, then her eyes wandered over to Middle and she started to yell at him, then she called Lying Teen over to help him with his homework, so I put her in an isolation booth with headphones, like old time game shows.
No,not really. I sat her down again, told her to FOCUS, and said: This is the most expensive vacation we have ever taken. It is costing $xxxxxx. Her eyes grow wide. "I want the little ovaries to have the TIME OF THEIR LIVES." She nods. "Unless they are actually stabbing each other with sharp implements, I don't care WHAT THEY DO. WE ARE NOT CORRECTING THEM. WE ARE NOT TELLING THEM THEY ARE SPOILED. WE ARE NOT INSISTING THEY TRY SQUID FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES. WE ARE NOT IMPLYING, WITH ROLLING EYES OR MUTTERED UNDER-THE-BREATH EPITHETS, THAT THE MADAM IS A BAD MOTHER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU ARE TO PLAY THE ROLE OF COOKIES AND MILK GRANDMA - EVERYTHING THEY DO IS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. GOT IT?"
She nodded solemnly, wiped some dog hair off the baseboard with a tissue, and then offered it to baby girl to blow her nose. God help me.
She simply cannot help herself. She cannot be in a room without wiping stuff or touching stuff, or straightening stuff. It is beyond annoying. I am making a little list of rules for this trip and I'm laminating it and she has to wear it around her neck.
On the list: Don't speak over the madam when she is dealing with her children. They are not YOUR children. You had your chance, and look what happened. Grandma Ovary particularly likes to disclipine the little ovaries, often when the Madam is already in the act of disciplining them. Grandma Ovary also likes to correct EVERY aspect of the little ovaries behavior, ALL THE TIME.
Grandma Ovary is in counseling, to try to address these issues. Grandma Ovary has NO BOUNDARIES. So why is she coming? I love her and she's never had a genuine, luxury vacation. This is a woman who raised seven children, four of whom were not her own (second marriage), who while doing so, got her bachelors, masters and began a teaching career while still working as a secretary at night. No cleaning lady. No money. Not even allowed to go through an automatic car wash. Now they are set financially, but the pennypinching habits are so ingrained, it's sad to see their inability to enjoy anything. You have to drag this woman out of a dollar store by her collar. Add to it that she actually grew up really poor (like getting the free basket of food on Thanksgiving from the church poor), and you've got a whole heap of money issues going on!
But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a bit WARY.
Ask any girl, who do we throw down with most often, with total abandon? Mommy.
When this all came up, I sat Grandma Ovary down, then she got up to wipe something, so I sat her back down again, then her eyes wandered over to Middle and she started to yell at him, then she called Lying Teen over to help him with his homework, so I put her in an isolation booth with headphones, like old time game shows.
No,not really. I sat her down again, told her to FOCUS, and said: This is the most expensive vacation we have ever taken. It is costing $xxxxxx. Her eyes grow wide. "I want the little ovaries to have the TIME OF THEIR LIVES." She nods. "Unless they are actually stabbing each other with sharp implements, I don't care WHAT THEY DO. WE ARE NOT CORRECTING THEM. WE ARE NOT TELLING THEM THEY ARE SPOILED. WE ARE NOT INSISTING THEY TRY SQUID FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES. WE ARE NOT IMPLYING, WITH ROLLING EYES OR MUTTERED UNDER-THE-BREATH EPITHETS, THAT THE MADAM IS A BAD MOTHER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU ARE TO PLAY THE ROLE OF COOKIES AND MILK GRANDMA - EVERYTHING THEY DO IS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. GOT IT?"
She nodded solemnly, wiped some dog hair off the baseboard with a tissue, and then offered it to baby girl to blow her nose. God help me.
comments (1)
1. catty left...
Sunday, 29 June 2008 1:13 pm :: http://savetheamericanfamily.blog-city.c
God, I think I'm your mother without all the wiping. I feel like the past
week was one long string of, "Stop climbing. No throwing. Biting is bad.
Don't. Stop. No. Quit. Bad. Time out. Time out. TIME OUT!!!" I'm a
bad grandma.