A life without books...I don't think so!
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Chairman of the Bored
posted Friday, 16 May 2008
I'm incredibly restless and bored lately, even with all the busyness of work. There's plenty to do but nothing I want to do. Hubby feels the same way. So does Lying Child. They just called me from Blockbuster where there was "nothing to rent." We have a bad case of ennui here in Ovary-land. Maybe we just need summer to arrive. Spring has been a total tease here on Long Island - today is gross, wet and cold. Plus, I'm bloated. But let's not go there. Let's just say my polka dot dress would be looking like maternity wear today and you know you're feeling fat when your BRA is actually too tight.
I keep logging on and logging off the computer, looking for who knows what. So I figured I bore you, too. Actually, I have some special requests from readers, so I'll touch on those a bit, too. But first, Middle found his phone. I had to borrow it because I lost my phone and of course, some evil person has been using it. We found out yesterday. I would have canceled it sooner but I always lose it - it's a razor and it's normally found after a day or two, stuck between my car seats. But this time, it was really gone. So I snuck Middle's former phone out of its Jimmy Hoffa hiding spot and damn it if he didn't see me. So now he's in full-on, wear-the-mommy-down mode. We're talking relentless, folks. Remember Diane Keaton in Godfather Two, talking to Al Pacino. "Michael, I don't fear you. I DREAD you." That's me. "Middle, I dread you."
Speaking of other dreadful people. One of my colleagues had a lovely end-of-semester moment. An irate student, who of course had never turned something in, was horrified to realize he wasn't getting "his" A. Because you know, grades have nothing to do with getting work done or anything...Anyhoo, said student decides to bellow "F*&(&* You!" at my pal in the parking lot. Now imagine what I"m about to write being said by Jack Nicholson: "Yeah, real good kid, that's the way to play it. Scream obscenities at the teacher right before your final exam...good move, Einstein."
But the best part is the REST of the story. Another male teacher hears about this and responds that it's even worse when a male says "F*** You" to a female teacher (which is the case here.) Now personally, I think "FU" is an equal opportunity insult. Why is it worse to say it to a woman? Because we don't have a penis? Therefore it's so much more difficult to actually f**** ourselves? Do we need to run out and purchase a dildo to get the job done? I just don't get it. Baby Girl just came into my bedroom with a plate of chicken nuggets and ketchup. Now she's in the bed and I freak out - she can stay, but since I just got this new duvet cover, she's eating on the sheets only. Well, baby girl doesn't consider that "cozy" enough and tries to pull the duvet up to keep her feet warm. I yank it back and do the exorcist mommy voice, "I SAID NO!!!!" Baby Girl responds calmly, "Humph...really, really mean, Mommy. But I'll let it go this time." Gee, thanks.
Her daddy and I were downstairs when he got home from work, TRYING to have a conversation, when she and Lying Child ambushed us, too. Like sharks that smell blood in the water, they know I need a phone so Lying Child sees a trade-in opportunity. Seems he wants a new phone. "Then, you know, like, maybe, like, mom could take my old phone" and he gets a new one. I HATE TECHNOLOGY. Stop updating the phones, people!!!! Now they all want the "NV" that has the little keyboard inside to text obscenities about their classmates. Baby Girl knows that something is up - some sort of consumer opportunity is being discussed so she better start asking for something...anything. "I want an IPOD!" she shouts. Sweet Jesus. Kids, I dread you...at least for today.
Word is slowly getting out that I'm on that Board of Directors I told you about. Some thong mommy is really annoyed, evidently. There will be many, many more. I hope somebody resigns in protest. That would be cool. Maybe it could be the woman who says "Hellooooo Madam" like Seinfeld. I so wish I could have seen her face when she read the announcement. This same woman had a canary when she found out I was a professor - she just thought I was the bad mommy with the horny dog that tried to date-rape "her baby" - a black lab down the block. Anyhoo, today I tried to find a navy blue blazer to wear when the club opens up and get this - NONE to be found at the horrible suburban mall I usually avoid. Tomorrow I'll try Talbots, which my friends know, is french for "Old Fart." If Talbots doesn't have a navy blue blazer, I'll know that the world is truly coming to an end. I used to have one, but then my milf transformation required I get rid of things I hadn't worn in years, so I dumped it. Milfs don't wear farty blazers. They wear edgy jackets with their overpriced, tight jeans that come with a warning tag: "This product may cause a yeast infection. Take acidophilus before wearing."
Alright, alright, enough out of me. Baby Girl is now sticking her ICE COLD feet on my tender flesh and demanding we change the channel. I just want to go to sleep and make it tomorrow...
comments (2)
1. catty left...
Saturday, 17 May 2008 12:52 pm :: http://savetheamericanfamily.blog-city.c
I know what you mean about spring tease. This whole week has been a wet
dreary frustration. We woke up this morning to glorious sun and I was
thinking what a nice day it would turn out to be if the fog burned off.
Then I sit down to the morning e-mails and the grayness creeps across the
sun. It's like being cast into weather (and seasonal depression) hell.
Then I'm reading your account with children and thinking, "thank GOD I
don't have THAT to deal with." And I'm snickering at your descriptions
(sorry), and snorting at Talbot's being French for Old Fart. We had one of
those in the snooty section of town and it WAS filled with OLD FARTS. I'm
going to go dig the portable heater out of the closet because I just
realized MY feet are getting colder by the minute. Maybe next week will be
sunny and warm and filled with BBQ and slushy drinks out in the yard?
2. catty left...
Saturday, 17 May 2008 12:57 pm :: http://savetheamericanfamily.blog-city.c
Oh yeah, I hope "Miss social climbing my dog's better than your dog" SHITS
and quits. People like that irritate me.